For SV

FOR SV              (January 3, 2024)

YOUR THOUGHTS WEREN’T BROADCASTED IN THE WAY YOU FEARED, BUT LAID THEMSELVES BARE IN THE MOST BASIC WAYS THROUGH YOUR MANY VOICES.

SHADOW, LIGHT, COLOUR, ANGLE, SHADE AND PATTERNS OF MAJOR AND MINOR SOUND PROVIDED CLEAR WINDOWS INTO YOUR NOT-SO-SECRETIVE EXPRESSION.

THE VOICES THAT SPOKE BACK WERE NOT KIND, ALWAYS LIED… COULD NOT UNDERSTAND AND ALLOWED FOR NO TRUST AT ALL TO BE CULTIVATED WITHIN.

YOUR EFFORTS AND YOUR ART ARE FAR BRAVER THAN ANYONE COULD EVER IMAGINE. IF YOU WERE BETTER PROTECTED, THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING WHAT YOU COULD, UNTIL YOU COULDN’T.

MAY THE OUTSIDE VOICES BE SILENCED NOW.

MAY YOUR OWN VOICE CONTINUE TO SHINE.

MAY THE CREATIVITY DRAWN FROM YOUR WELL BE FOREVER RECOGNIZED, CELEBRATED, INTERNALIZED AS YOUR MARK ON THIS PLANET.

MAY I FOLLOW YOUR LEAD AND DO WHAT I CAN.

VIEW MORE ART BY SPENCER VALIQUETTE AT LINDSEYWHITE.COM

Burn the Roots

Please enjoy this music video courtesy of MPI’s investigator.

Burn the Roots – Lindsey White:
“The weeds might have choked the life out, but I was rooted deeper. The small ones were pulled out, but I found the planted seeds all fell to the reaper. (And) constant competition could make you crazy…
But that’s not the point anyway, so I may…
Burn the roots that made me what I am today. That drew the nutrients out of the mud and clay. Street,Disconnection might be the only way to stay true and adhere to love along the way…
Since I started talking to my heart before planning perspective, I have learned more about what’s really important than when consulting the collective. (And) patterns and misconceptions could make anyone crazy…
But they’re not the point so why don’t you just do you and…
Burn the roots that made you what you are today. That drew the nutrients from all the mud and clay. Disconnection might be the only way to stay true and adhere to love along the way…

The streets have virtue, from all that they’ve been through, if you ask they’ll tell you the truth about it. The earth has virtue, whatever seeds fall to it become what breaks through, even if it could hurt you. It’s time to burn the roots… it’s time to burn the roots… it’s time to burn the roots…
(oh)
Burn the roots that made us who we are today. That drew the good stuff of the mud and clay. Disconnection is the only way to stay True and adhere to Love along the way.”

Health for Lindsey White: https://lindseywhite.com/health

Lost in Translation

In a pile, there are files of such pain.

The proof comes with trigger warnings, without maps or keys. It’s a dog’s breakfast platter, with a side triad of familiarity. It comes with accents and with words that can mean multiple things. Only the most skilled professionals can make any sense of it.

The time it takes is eaten up by days of survival and nights of sleepless hope. After a plot has been storyboarded, there are many steps yet before it is comprehensive. While a nerve called Vagus takes it’s time to decipher how food, rest and care will be interpreted by all systems at once.

Prone vs. Supine (Pvs)

August 11, 2023

Prone vs. Supine (PvS)

You can’t stop, but try not to breathe so deeply. Motion is the enemy of diagnosis.

A pillow, a towel, a makeshift headrest… they leave little room for much air to flow.

You thought now was the time to move but this painting was smeared, so stay still. Be still.

The air still has nowhere to go so it lifts, moves slightly but enough for a smudge.

Moving on: stand up but mind the IV that does not yet drip, bend like a stiff ballet.

Once flat on your back, lungs can be free. This part is more about following noises.

They shift shape differently on this floor. The machine sings in a much lower key.

Breathing in, a flower. Breathing out, fresh. A mountain. Solid. Still water. Space.

The contrast floods; there is talk of quality. You plead for one last effort. First more…

Humming the minor third against a steady pulse while ribs are now warmer. Vibration.

There will be one more chance for clarity. This time the assignment is understood.

A pillowcase, no towel. No more IV at all. Some movement. Deep breathing. Stillness.

Shallow now. Like your underwater oxygen supply is low and rescue requires (more) time.

Breathe in, breathe out, and in, then hold. Some sounds. And breathe again, deeply.

Once more, with feeling. You take deeper breaths after round 2. You hope it’s good.

Three minutes of shallow. This is the end. Homestretch successful. Dancers all bow.

Hospital Crime

Hospital Crime

I brought my precious mind

and my wounded spine

to what I thought was a hospital but turned out to be a crime.

It happened once and then

repeated over and over again…

before the Doctors taught me not to trust them as my friends.

To Dad (July 11, 2023)

Dad,

I have missed you more every single day for 14 years, but never as much as I do now. There is so much that I wish I could tell you, show you and ask you… and more I wish you could tell me now. I miss your voice and your love.
When you thanked me for driving for you, I would usually say “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be”. And now I know more deeply why that made you cry. There are so few who genuinely show up when we’re dying.
Thank you for encouraging me to express myself, to keep using my voice and to set goals for myself. No one had previously given me permission to live for me or on my own terms. You wanted me to drive my own life.
I’m sorry that too many years were wasted with us being so separated, hurt, confused and unaware. I would trade many of them for a moment together now.
I truly appreciate your valuing my art, regardless of it’s worldly level of success or place in any charts. For this reason, I was able to throw my whole heart into it – long after your death… until I couldn’t anymore.
I know you would never see me as valueless without it and you would be more horrified than I am that others do… that so many have abandoned my side.
You were one of the first to ever stand up for me. And this ultimately taught me to advocate for myself. When the Company manufacturing my first CD said they wouldn’t have my order by the promised day (my first real CD release event) you called them up and saved the day – even getting me extra CD copies for free!
No one saw your pain either, your sensitivities, your challenges or your cancer. You were misunderstood, misdiagnosed, misjudged, mislabelled… didn’t look sick. Ignorance told you not to feel your feelings and judged you for how you were managing your trauma/crises. People said you worked too much or not enough and even lied about how you expressed yourself. That must have hurt.
No one understood what it took for you to just keep going, keep trying, keep striving to stay alive a bit longer. And now, my own struggle remains unseen by most. It was easier to advocate for your life than for my own, but I’m here today and still trying… striving to stay alive a bit longer. Struggling to believe my life still matters.
No one knows how hard it is to be a misfit and Renegade until you have paid the price of being yourself in a world that would rather you be someone else. [A world] That even actively tells you you’re wrong – that you’ll never be right. But I would rather keep doing my best to be me. Not so that you might be proud of me… but so that I can be proud of me. It’s never been more difficult but I’m trying. I love you!

– Linz

Twist (New Song)

A new song, called “Twist” (lyrics below) from the May 5 Livestream event.

Lyrics:

The heaviest discouragement
It’s a hard way to start making changes
And the emptiness of profound regret
It takes kindness to let go of blind moments

And it’s enough to twist you up
’til you don’t know which way is up
You’re trying to face forward but according to which part?

As you’re wringing out
The whole world is upside down
All the stability you’ve found
Disappears under shaky ground

How to begin taking this all in
Reaching out in every direction
Before you even start every plan falls apart
Leaving your heart broken wide open

It’s enough to twist you up
… to make you want to just give up

While you’re bleeding out
Everything feels upside down
Any stability you’ve found
Is falling out all over the ground
While you’re breathing out
Everything is turning around
And all stability you’ve found
Disappears with the shaky ground

Dropping anchors and attachments
Letting go left and right
From the bottom to top and from
One side to the other side

Just keep breathing in and out
And it’ll all keep balancing out
What has been lost can still be found
But not by digging deep underground
Don’t stop reaching out
When the whole world is upside down
You’re where you need to be somehow
And you’ll find your way, if you’re strong enough to let it all twist out.

Listen, read, follow, watch… https://lindseywhite.com

Paddle to Water and Flame (for my therapist)

When you asked to have your heart set on fire by little peripheral flames, maybe you thought there was some risk of burning, despite your best efforts for protection. I certainly expected some spontaneous combustion… possibly uncovering pain…

But we were equally unprepared for what was to come, as we set out in our two tiny canoes on a river of unknown condition.

Rapids washed over us; we navigated the wakes of ships, so close we nearly capsized. At one point I was drowning and had to leave the water completely. But together we set out again with patched holes and new wilderness offerings.

Massive underwater beasts demonstrated their strength, fury and hatred for my own paddles. For the very wood from which my vessel was constructed… wood with a hidden secret no one could see. A termite type of problem with no instant cure and insatiable need…

Still, you used your art and your hands to keep us together, to keep us stable and sharing space that would remind me of my inherent value.

When I felt it had been lost and discarded, even by me.

When I learned more about my oars in half a year than in half a lifetime.

And when, for a time, only you truly witnessed what it took for me to call upon all my resilience, summoning strength to put paddle to water and move again and again. Struggling, writing, feeling, crying, hurting, writhing, focused, dying, willing, trying, learning, healing on levels and in Territories previously undiscovered.

I wave with recognition of the value of our flaming vessels as we move in new directions.

The Terrifying Sacred

The Terrifying Sacred

4/14/2023

When language is misinterpreted, chaos ensues. The best of intentions are washed away. But what of the mundane? The “boiler plate”? If it could be so, maybe it doesn’t matter.

It’s just for today and only today so blink with as much intention and presence as possible. The thought of tomorrow barely takes away from the terrifying sacredness that is living.

Each time I go looking for fragments of ghosts I remember all who will soon be. That I will soon be. Our mirrored reflection grows tired of routine, change and spontaneity… drawing downward.

Only regretting not saying what needed to be said in a moment, taking so long to go against the flow in a school of very unhealthy fish and failing to recognize the terrifying sacred of being alive today, for only today.

Health for Lindsey White

Seven years ago, on March 24, 2016 I experienced my seventh motor vehicle accident. My life and health have never been the same and I’m now unable to safely play any and all instruments. I worked beyond my capacity in effort to gain health and struggled with a perpetually re-injured, twisted spine as a result of accident-related injuries. Only recently was I given all the medical information I need to actually achieve this goal… but now all of my resources have been exhausted and I am at risk of losing far more than I already have. I’ve made great efforts to make music more accessible to others for a long time and now it has become inaccessible to me; I am asking for help that is desperately needed. I spent around $40K on my health over the last few years and have had outstanding appeals for 4 issues with MPI (Manitoba Public Insurance), with the oldest beginning more than 4 years ago and no trial date on the horizon. On top of dealing with a broken system, I was surveilled by their investigator, accused of not being who I say I am, discriminated against and cut off from support I am entitled to; before being diagnosed with a plethora of medical conditions that explain everything and which MPI has ignored. I have filed a Human Rights Complaint, but this situation may legally be repeated again any time. I am genuinely afraid for myself and my community as we are all currently at risk of further discrimination. So, with the support of my friends and community, I initiated a fundraising and petition campaign to both support my health and do what I can to ensure this horrifying situation is not repeated here in the Province of Manitoba ever again. All contributors to my Gofundme campaign received links to download 31 instrumental piano tracks from my last, double-album, “July 2020” as well as a temporary secret link to preview demos toward the next album I hope to release, “Thrive”.

 

   

One of my medical specialists wrote the following:

subluxations etc.

And they are correct. Accident, illness and injury ARE common catalysts for onset of HEDS symptoms. In the documentary “Bend or Break“, Mitch Martow discusses how H1N1 was the catalyst for his symptoms. For many women, it is the trauma of childbirth (or other trauma). For many recently, it has been COVID-19 and for me… it was seven accidents.  Then MPI followed and video recorded me (because “I don’t look sick”) and my mental health has never been the same. Here’s a social media post about grocery store surveillance:

 

 

 

 

 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A post shared by Lindsey White (@lindseywhiteofficial)

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Click HERE to sign the petition to change Manitoba Legislation and ensure vulnerable individuals are protected:

The investigator who watched me didn’t provide Child/Adult abuse registry checks or Criminal Record checks to the locations where vulnerable community were surveilled. I told the Executive Director of the Manitoba Human Rights Commission that I can’t live with myself, knowing that this can happen again any time. To me, or to anyone I know. So I have approached my MLA to bring forward new Legislation and ask for your support in initiating very reasonable protections for vulnerable individuals… and for myself. It would be nice to stand on my front lawn without paranoia again.

Please visit the following links to learn more about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome:

What is EDS? (From the Ehlers Danlos Society’s International website.)        

What is EDS? (From the ILC Foundation in Canada)                     

More EDS Links EDS on CNN                                                                                                     

Healthcare Presentations (from the ILC Foundation)

And here is a surveillance-music-video I made after this happened, telling my story along with a song called “Everything Breaks”. Please feel free to share it, along with any other links including: lindseywhite.com/health

Feel free to share this graphic (or others) on social media!

Here is a photo of the first time I broke out in hives, after finding out there were 11 DVDs of surveillance footage taken covertly of me and my community. I haven’t felt completely safe since. And here is a song called “Brick Walls” (recorded when I was still able to safely play piano without further twisting up my spine)… which was inspired by the difficult journey of learning to trust and rely on my Community. Thank you!

14 GoFund Me, 5 “other” + 3 providers

Watch the May 5 “Songs, Stories & Poetry” online livestream here: