Monster

“Monster” is about many things… it is an internal dialogue as much as an external argument.  It is grief and frustration and confusion all wrapped up in a single word describing a big ugly thing.  And it is about the struggle as much as it is about freedom to choose how to behave within that struggle.

The last album song I blogged about is called “Bugs”.  I feel that these two songs are strongly connected; they may be opposite sides of the same coin, or the same side altogether.  I’m not sure, but there is a parallel.  “Bugs” is more of a plea to take charge of this struggle, while “Monster” is about all that we sign up for in doing so.  There is also a certain panic described in these lyrics associated with the exasperated uncertainty that inevitably follows when we’ve done all we can and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.  Sometimes it doesn’t even seem to be working.  (When there’s “nothing left to choose… only one more thing left to lose”.)

We all have our bugs and monsters and I know that a large part of mine have been associated with the physical and emotional complications of grieving and healing and letting go – processes which I understand less and less the more I delve into them.  And maybe that’s one monster I can just give up trying to fight.  At least, for now.

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No one wants to talk about it, and I’d rather just live without it.  But I’m still trying to figure out this big ugly thing that’s been following me; I’ve got big convictions and walking contradictions.  Whatever this affliction is, just keep it far away from me.

Someone tell me how to run away and hide or fight, fight, fight!  It just keeps coming straight at me, so I start swinging like crazy.  What will it take to keep it far, far away?

No time to think this through – there are so many things that I could do, but the truth is one false move and it’s all over for you.  And who am I to choose, when there is so much I could lose if I can’t get this Monster off of me.

I try to tie it up so tight, holding it down with all my might.  But then somehow I lose sight of it and then it’s all over me.  I feel it scratching at my skin, trying anything to get in.  But before I can say “when” it’s crawlin’ around inside of me.

Someone tell me will I get it out or die or fight, fight, fight?  I can’t just give up so easy, but it’s tearing a hole right through me.  Just cut it out, just get it out of me!

No time to think it through – there are much more important things to do, but the truth is one false move and it’s all over for you.  And how could I ever choose, when there is so much to lose if I can’t get this Monster…

No, no, no… no, no, no, no…

Tell me how, how do I let it out?

I’ve got to let this through – there’s nothing else that I can do, but prove that it’s my move and it’s already over for you.  Impossible to chose, only one more thing left to lose if I don’t get this Monster… someone please get this Monster… exorcise this Monster out of me.

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~ by lindseywhitemusic on April 27, 2012.

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